Life on Wheels

During my escape from the house last weekend, I noticed what looked like a cooler on six wheels driving on the sidewalk in the center of town I was in. It was white and carried a golf-like flag to let people know it was coming toward them or behind them. It chirped and beeped. Clearly someone, hiding behind a tree, was navigating this contraption.

It turned out it came from the local market and it was their delivery system. Inside the cooler I’m sure there were cut-up veggies, a cluster of red grapes, gorgonzola cheese, sesame seed, gluten-free crackers, and of course lots of Chardonnay on ice. This made perfect sense in the middle of Silicon Valley. Where else would you find a robot delivering your dinner? Now if it cooks, serves and cleans-up, then I’m in.

Alf says, “It should also sort through old tech books and re-arrange the garage.”

I see the many uses it could have like getting the dog to the groomers, picking up the dry cleaning, going to the mall for that cute outfit that was on sale, walking your children home, mowing the lawn, and keeping you company if you’re desperate. I don’t know how many languages it speaks, but that could be an added feature. It should also play jazz and be able to read Shakespeare and Hebrew.

Calvin says, “No way you’d shove me into that thing. I’d look ridiculous with my ears flapping.”

 

Conversations on the Run10

I need a replacement life.

Personally I collect magazines instead of men.

Women have become so boring. Is there anyone else out there?

After five years of attempting to talk to my husband, we now talk a different language.

Monday I come here, Tuesday I go there, Wednesday I go around, Thursday I stay put, and Friday, I’m out of here. 

With all this social media, when can I be myself?

He looks like the collective of the dead inhabitants of the club.

Personal umbrella insurance is surprisingly expensive for an umbrella.

Pastor Boss.

What do you get if you become a knight?
You get diplomatic immunity in your own country.

Calvin says, “I could use diplomatic immunity in rabbit holes. They’re downright hostile.” 

Top Will

I just returned from the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

I’ve been going there for 20 years and I’ve seen a lot of people come and go from the company.

Will is still a staple – barely. He’s hanging on by his thumbs from Juliet’s balcony.

He can’t be fired because he has top billing.

But they’re trying. 

Shakespeare is not a go-to author for most young people.

I admit even in my day I didn’t take Pericles to the beach.

So they’re marginalizing Will and inserting musicals.

This time it was Guys and Dolls.

So what.

But the young loved it.

And that’s what it’s all about.

The next generation.

I’m so sick of hearing this.

It’s as if the world will topple if the young aren’t drawn into the things we love.

I say let them create their own fun and leave Will to hoof it on stage for our sake.

Besides, we’re paying for it, they’re not. They don’t have any money.

Calvin says, “‘The lady doth protest too much, methinks.'”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh!

I shared a recent blog post with an artist friend and he shared a painting with me.

He enjoyed my post and I loved his painting.

Then he mentioned he was getting it ready for competition. 

I told him I was glad it would have a public viewing and that the judges should be quite taken by it.

“Isn’t there somewhere in the bible about there being only one lawgiver and judge?” he said.

“That’s only for sinners. Paintings are other creatures altogether,” I said.

“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were going on about your blog getting a public showing/judges etc., and not my painting!”

Huh?

This is how most of us communicate.

Each one out of his own head.

Like two planes on different flight paths.

Is it any wonder we have craziness in our everyday with people?

Alf is fond of telling me I speak a different language than he.

I suppose he’s right.

My first language is Spanish, he’s is English. There’s a continent separating us.

That probably explains why we’ve been together for so long.

We’re still discovering who the stranger is we married.

Calvin says, “Actually you speak better Beagle than English.” 

 

What Your Grandmother Missed on This Subway Ride

I schlep the subway into work everyday. Public transportation is always drama. You never know what might erupt in front of your face.

For example, this morning a couple, in their 50’s, came on board. There were no seats for both of them together, so the woman sat in one row, next to a young buck in dark glasses, earphones, a baseball cap and a hoodie, drinking a large coffee in a paper cup. He draped his arm on the backrest of the seat invading the wife’s space.

The husband, in the row behind her, leaned over and told the kid to remove his arm. “Don’t tell me what to do!” the kid said.

The husband barked the order again. Then he repeatedly swiped the kid’s arm. The kid wouldn’t budge. He only got louder. “Take your hands off me!”

This was reality TV happening before our eyes. I looked around to see if anyone was filming this on their smart phone. Others were rubbernecking to see the oncoming explosion.

Not me. I prayed. I didn’t want to arrive at the office with blood-stained clothes.

“I”m calling the police!” the kid shouted.

We stopped at another station. More people got on, mostly elderly women. The kid leaped up to give his seat to one of the women, and stood hanging from a strap staring at the husband the rest of the way.

“Let me see your eyes,” the husband said.

The kid pulled out an ear bud. “What did you say, old man?”

“Let me see your eyes,” the husband said.

The kids yanked his dark glasses off and glared at the husband.

We made it thought the tunnel and into the first station in the city. Lots of people got off leaving several empty seats. The kid sat down behind the husband.

The husband turned around to face the kid. Here it comes, I thought. Do I call 911?

“I’m sorry for getting angry,” he said.

The kid shrugged. “It shows you’re taking care of your mom.”

“That’s my wife,” the husband said.

Oh no, here it comes, I thought.

“Okay, it shows you’re taking care of your wife.”

And with that the kid got up and got off at the next stop.

Calvin says, “Wow. Close call. I’d have circled the kid and bayed at full volume until the cops turned up.”

What Dr. Cal Lightman Taught Me About Relationships

Esther’s heart pounded in her chest. Sam was dreamy. They were eating dinner at a funky, out-of-the-way bistro he had selected. Never mind that it was by the highway. The conversation flowed over the cheap wine, the chemistry was heating up, and Esther already envisioned herself in a wedding gown. Finally the man for her.

If Dr. Cal Lightman, the central character of the TV show Lie To Me, had been in the restaurant, which I doubt, he would have noticed right away that Sam wasn’t as interested in Esther and she was in him. In fact, by the time their overdone steaks had arrived, he had cooled towards her, but she hadn’t noticed. His pupils weren’t dilated, his smile didn’t crinkle the corners of his eyes, and under the table his feet were pointed in the direction of the exit. Lightman would have said, “Doomed before dessert.”

Lie To Me is about observing body language and micro-facial expressions to bust bad guys. It’s good. You need to watch it. It’s valuable education. Based on research by clinical psychologist Dr. Paul Ekman, the show will give you critical insight into what the behavior of others is telling you.

Whether you’re looking to become the hottest marketer in your company or find Mr. Right, you need this.

The body speaks louder than words. Secret Service agents know this. Actors know it. And now you, too, can know it.

Want to know quickly what someone is thinking about you?

Check his feet. If they’re pointed at you, in a parallel line, he is positively engrossed in your every word.

If his feet are angled away from you and pointed in the direction of the exit, change the subject or run.

How do you know if the guy you’re dating is interested in you?

See if he leans in with his head when you’re talking. That’s one good sign.

If he talks to you with little expression on his face, or if he keeps a football stadium length between you and him, call a cab quick and high tail it out of there.

So what do you do to become an expert in these clues?

Watch the shows. Not only are they entertaining, but you’ll have a leg up on everyone else.

Calvin says, “Beagles come fully loaded knowing this kind of stuff. It’s all wired into our noses.”

Come Hither

A father and college-age son. At a café.

Dad: Take some literature classes when you get to college. Stories will save your life.

Son: How so?

Dad: You’ll learn how to communicate and you’ll avoid counseling when you’re married.

Son: What if I only want to take science classes?

Dad: You’ll have a tough time as a husband and father. Your children don’t come out of the chute speaking geek. And your wife will need to learn this language in order to know who you are, and she’ll be too busy with the kids, do you want to put her through that?

Son: Geez, I had no idea being an engineer would be so hazardous to my future.

Dad: Not if you mix it up with some Shakespeare, some poetry, and some good fiction.

Son: That will delay my getting out of school.

Dad: I’ll pay for the delay. It’s my investment in your marriage and my grand kids.

Son: Thy should’st not worry, father. I resolve to mark your words.

Calvin says, “That explains why I only speak hound. I wish my dad had recommended Peanuts and Winnie the Poo to me.”

Shades of Language

A restaurant. A man and a woman at a table, having dinner and discussing a play they had just seen.

Woman: There aren’t any nuances about, “Take the garbage out.” For a woman that says I love you.

Man: I’m married to you, I understand that.

Woman: This isn’t about us. I live with you. I feel what you’re saying.

Man: We have our language.

Woman: The woman in the play didn’t know what that meant. She was waiting for someone to interpret things.

Man: She didn’t understand without speaking. Body language, looks, it was all there.

Woman: Subtlety evaded her.

Man: You and I live in the sub-text. It’s fun.

Woman: Except when you forget to take out the garbage.

Calvin says, “I don’t need body language. I come running as soon as I hear the clatter of kibble pouring into my bowl.”